I gave up
From being a woman that they dictated to me
From fear that’s been laid my back for centuries
I gave up
From being a man they dictated to me
From labels, power struggles
Helplesness and anguish, I gave up.
I’m stripping from my armor one by one
From fake smiles,
Small reckonings
From saying “as if”
“I wish I would…”
“if”
“because”
Despite everything
I’m stripping for love
I’m experiencing new things
I’m finding myself as I continue to undress
I’m getting rid of all my dependencies
Between my body and soul
The barriers that I put
I’m destroying all of them
I am free
From now on.
A brand new “I”
I’m running to love naked.
Love is a fascinating treasure you hide in the deepest. You will crave for reaching this treasure, be tempted to touch it. When you see the hurtful thorns of this charming beauty, you go away from it quickly. You wish for someone who comes out and takes you to that treasure without using the way with thorns. You meet someone, and you start to be pulled in quickly to the world of love. Suddenly, you forget the thorns that scare you… You begin to live the emotional life that you could never describe until that day. Your heart starts to dance with enthusiasm. A single sentence spilling from his lips is the most important culmination of the world. The whole world is his eyes. You feel that you are melting, missing him even when he is near. It’s gotten to you. Fairytales are turning into real in this world.
Everything but everything is possible. How different are the “you in love” and “you” that are not in love? Your eyes become brilliant. Problems are unimportant. It is more important for you to ask “Do you like me?” than “Will the meteorite hit the world tomorrow?”
Then… The burning fire of love slowly starts to scare you. The more you perceive fear, the more quicker you become anxious and angry. You don’t look like yourself now, you’re starting to change again, it’s neither safe nor comfortable anymore. It is not easy for you to give up memorized feelings until then. On the one hand you want to jump into that fire, on the other hand you want to run away quickly.
You want comfort, security. You make calculations to hurt without being hurt, to make feel without feeling, to be loved without loving. Condemn it against the small calculations. You can put all your armor in layers and reassure yourself. ‘I wish you would behave like this… If you do it I like you.’ You try to strip out its uniqueness and liberty from love, for the sake of adapting it to your rules, forgetting that it is a child of free land. You want to try to catch a glimpse of it by escaping from whole picture. You lock yourself in the outside world as you run away from the hidden treasure inside. You start to live like a slave, pretend, try wearing all the necessary masks. For power, you begin to look for other things.
Everything is in its right place actually… But still, something is missing in your life. The light in your eyes is gone now. The enthusiasm in your voice, the childish smile on your face, the softness of your body… You know what you are seeking. It’s now a turnout: To re-experience passion, experience it in spite of fear, or to continue being the familiar “you”. The choice is yours as always.
No matter what your past is, whether you are injured or not, “I can not be in love again. I am utterly broken, am I?”, you say. Every love, every bitterness you’ve ever experienced, has brought you up in these great days. You can take your lessons and go on. Get out of the way of those who want to hurt you. Get out of your way to make you feel great. Whatever you’ve done, love always invites you. As a child whose moves are excited, inquisitive, curious and alive, it also leads you spiritually and emotionally to grow up, be mature. Sow the seed of the true love to your heart. Don’t delay! Right now, hold the hand of the person you love or the person you can love, and enter the game. You are ready to open your door to the days when you will say “my name is love”.
Neşe Turan